The Happiest Day of Lily Evans' Life
by annasaurus-rex
Summary: Snape doesn't want to go to Lily and James' wedding, but he couldn't bring himself to miss it.
1. The Wedding

Severus Snape held his head in his hands as he sat on a bench round the corner from the church. There were people arriving already, he knew, but he didn't want to mingle. He didn't want to stand alone, surrounded by groups of friends chatting away, wondering what _he_ was doing here. He hadn't planned on coming, actually, but he couldn't bear the thought of not being there for the happiest day of Lily's life. Even if it wasn't happiness created by him; even if it was _Potter_ who had the pleasure of taking Lily Evans as his wife- Severus couldn't miss that beautiful smile on her big day. How could he have lived with himself, sitting at home, knowing that right at that moment, Lily was possibly the happiest she'd ever been? He was hurt, yes, and he never expected it to be an easy experience, but it was something he'd forced himself to endure, if only for Lily's sake. He was bitter and jealous and totally heartbroken, but he was in love. He was so much in love that he'd never dream of trying to ruin her happiness for his own gain.

As a man hurried past him in a suit, Severus realised the crowd outside the church had started to gather round the doorway. He did not hurry- he would take a seat at the back, away from the watchful eyes of wizards and muggles alike- but slowly started to make his way towards the gathering. He hung back, waiting to be the last to enter the church, avoiding contact with any glaring pair of eyes looking his way. A small boy stood at the door, handing out the orders of service.

'Bride or groom?' the boy asked.

'…Bride', Severus murmured, taking the booklet and following the direction the boy was pointing him in.

He sat towards the back of the church, trying to see who he knew. Mainly Lily and James' school friends, although there were a few people from the Order of the Phoenix. How he longed to be a part of them, if only for the fact that Lily might have given him a chance as more than a friend if he had. He had never hated himself more for the path he had chosen than right now.

He could see Lily's mother standing at the front, talking to a man wearing black robes. Was he a wizard? Snape didn't know. He didn't really care, either, for at that moment he turned round in his seat to see Lily Evans at the door. He couldn't believe he was here. He could not believe that Lily Evans was about to marry James Potter. He knew that to call her stunning would be the biggest understatement of his life; the lace sleeves of her dress matched the veil that sat on top of her red hair, partly tied up in a beautiful knot, and partly flowing gently down her back. The smile on her face was like no happiness he had ever seen her experience, and he felt a pang of regret that he had never made her that happy.

Suddenly nothing else in the world mattered. To Severus Snape, Lily Evans was everything. Everything he had ever wanted, everything he could never have, everything he would spend his life looking for.

She grinned and winked at him as she made her way down the aisle with her father. She was happy to see him and that was worth all the pain of being here. Even if nobody else wanted him here, she did, and that was the most important thing.

Severus never took his eyes off Lily in the entire service. He stood and sang with the rest of the congregation, he listened to her parents do the readings, he stayed silent during the moment when he should have shouted at them to stop, he watched them vow to never leave each other. He watched as Lily and James Potter kissed for the first time as husband and wife. He tried to look away; that was not something he wanted to see. But he couldn't. He knew he wouldn't be able to know Lily for much longer, and he needed to take in as much of her as he could before that terrible day when she found out what path he had chosen for his life. The wrong path, he knew already, but he could not back out.

Outside the church, Lily stood away from James, talking to different friends. She looked even more beautiful in the sunlight, if that was possible. Her hair reflected the sun perfectly and she appeared to glow from happiness. She posed for a photograph with a group of friends and a second later she was alone. Severus took this opportunity to swiftly move in towards her.

She leaned up to kiss his cheek, and he offered his congratulations. It was over in seconds; he could not bring himself to say anything else, she had another group of people waiting to congratulate her. He had to go.

Walking away from the church, he was glad he had been present. He had seen her at her happiest. At that moment he vowed to let her go, to get over her, to move on. It seemed fitting, that the day she made her vows to someone else, he would vow to stop loving her.

He didn't even wait until he had left the churchyard before the tears began to fall down his cheeks.


	2. One Year Later

One Year Later

Severus muttered a triumphant 'yes!' as he saw the book he'd been looking for. It was one of those books he'd kept, knowing it would only collect dust. He was unable to throw away books; it always seemed his luck that as soon as something left his life, he would need it soon afterwards. He ran his hands along the dark blue binding and eased it free from the books surrounding it.

Something else fell out of the bookcase before he had freed the book. A cream coloured booklet that he hadn't seen for exactly a year. He'd been trying to push the thought out of his mind, but he knew it was their anniversary. He knew that exactly this time last year, he'd watched Lily Evans take her vows and become Mrs Potter. How could he forget?

But he didn't want to think of their celebrations. He didn't want to think of the gifts and the champagne and the cards and the happiness that would fill their house today. It hurt, yes, it still hurt so very much, and Severus froze as he held the paper in his hands. He opened it and immediately wished he hadn't; simply the sight of their names together in fancy writing was enough to stir the tears he had been fighting all day. He knew he could lose himself in dreams about Lily's smile, but that would do him no good. He had to at least try and move on. He didn't want James Potter knowing he had one over on him. But did it really matter? There was nothing he could do about it. A happy Lily was better than an unhappy one, he convinced himself, sure that he would never truly be over Lily until the day he died.

He stuffed the booklet back between two books; he remembered doing the same a year ago, when the pain was still fresh and his eyes were still puffy. He knew he'd find it again. Maybe it would do him good, maybe one day he'd find that order of service and not feel a thing. Maybe he'd smile, knowing she was happier than she'd ever been. Maybe one day he could throw it away and move on.

But he'd never be able to not cry when he thought of Lily Evans. That much he already knew.


	3. Congratulations?

It was nearing midnight as Severus cleaned up the last of the dead frogs one of his students had managed to plaster all over the ceiling. He had fallen out with Filch over last week's cauldron spillage, which had been the last straw for the caretaker. Nobody understood how hard his job was, he said, because nobody ever bothered to do anything without magic. So Snape was left to deal with Filch's indefinite 'dungeon cleaning strike'. He had to admit, he was struggling even _with_ magic, but he was loath to ever allow Filch to discover that. In fact, he was struggling so greatly that he wondered if he could justify a teaching strike in response. The thought would have amused Severus if he hadn't been having such a bad day already; he grabbed the floating rag he had thought would help, and stormed out of the room.

On the way to Dumbledore's office, Snape had to try exceedingly hard not to stomp too angrily – he was wary of all the things he could disturb in the castle, worst of all Peeves. Thankfully, he met nothing on his journey, leaving his mind free to wallow in his fury. By the time he reached Dumbledore's office, he was positively fuming.

He knocked, and opened the door at Dumbledore's invitation. Dumbledore was sat at his desk writing, and did not look up immediately. When he did, however, his eyes widened in surprise.

'Severus? To what do I owe the pleasure, at this time?' he said gently, shifting the envelope he had just been writing to one side.

'I apologise for bothering you, sir, but I-' he broke off, catching sight of the words written on the envelope to Dumbledore's left.

'James and Lily Potter?'

'Ah, a friendly note, simply offering my congratulations and best wishes,' Dumbledore smiled, waving his hand dismissively.

'Congratulations?' Severus racked his brain for a recent event that would call for congratulations.

'Lily is pregnant, Severus. I thought you would have heard that, in the many circles you frequent?'

'No, I… uh, didn't know,' Severus muttered. His mind had gone blank. His heart was hammering against his chest. Severus berated himself for allowing to be affected in this way. How could he have not been expecting this? Lily's pregnancy wasn't exactly startling news, surely? She had been married for over a year now. She had always wanted children; Severus remembered having that conversation with her when they had both been just eleven years old. Why hadn't he prepared himself for the possibility that she would want children with James?

'Severus… are you alright?' Dumbledore probed kindly.

'Uh… I apologise for bothering you at this late hour, sir. I find myself presently overstretched and I hoped – I don't entirely know what I hoped, but the situation is perfectly agreeable for the time being, thank you very much – sorry, again – I should leave,' Severus garbled, confusing even himself. Would that convince Dumbledore? He didn't suppose it mattered – for now he needed to be alone.

Sitting in his office a short while later, Snape held his head in his hands. The news had not surprised him. He had overreacted. But the carefree way Dumbledore had told him, the way he had smiled as if the delight at the Potters having a child together was universal, the way he had dropped it into the conversation carelessly… disturbed Snape. He was disturbed by the fact he had allowed himself to feel _that_ much for someone who he hadn't seen since she married someone else. He was disturbed by the fact that he found himself loving this child already, the unborn child of the woman he had loved forever. He was disturbed by the bitter jealousy, the intense hatred that mingled with this love – this child was going to see Lily every day, be held by her, be loved by her perhaps even more than she loved James. And Severus would have to continue his life, reassuring himself that above all else, Lily Potter was happy, and wasn't that what he lived for? Wasn't that what he wanted, wasn't that why he had done what he had?

Severus knew he did not deserve Lily's love. Yet he had vowed to let her go, and he had so far failed. He wondered when it would end. He wondered _if_ it would end. Somehow he hoped it wouldn't. Because if he could feel undying love for Lily, maybe… just maybe, James could as well. And when you love someone enough that their happiness is more important than your own, the fact that that person is loved at all is more important than who is giving them that love. Isn't it?


End file.
